Guinness Is Giving The Shaft To The World’s Biggest Dick Pic

It took him months to figure out a file format that could accommodate such large amounts of data. The first candidate was TIFF, widely used in scientific applications and the VFX industry, but the format maxes out at 4 gigabytes and can’t have any values, including length or width, over 2 to the 32nd power. This was not enough for the Eggplant’s mighty creation. Fortunately, he discovered the ideal replacement, BigTIFF, which can handle images in the terapixel range and is supposed to allow values up to 2 to the 64th power.

When you look at the world’s largest dick pic, a couple of things are immediately apparent. First of all, you’ll probably notice that it’s lacking in girth. Measuring 23,760 x 4,294,620,000 pixels, its length is more than 180 thousand times longer than its width. “It’s very disproportional for sure,” the Eggplant conceded.

“That’s an actual technical thing that I ran up against,” he continued. “The BigTIFF format claims it allows for 2 to the 64th power pixels, but when I tried, it broke. There must be some legacy code in there relating to the regular TIFF that only supports up to 2 to the 32th power. I couldn’t go past that, so I had to scrunch it.”

You’ll probably also note that this penis has no balls. “I needed to use as much image real estate as possible,” the Eggplant said. “No empty space, which means the width of the shaft needed to be the total width of the image. It would have been strange to incorporate testicles with these proportions. It just didn’t feel quite right.”

After choosing the perfect image format, the next step was to work on a methodology for generating the actual image. He created a custom algorithm capable of reproducing the branching patterns of veins that we see in nature. The algorithm ensured that the vein patterns were continuous and non-repeating. 

The next order of business was figuring out how to actually render the image. “I crashed my computer over a hundred times making this,” he said. “The issue with images of this astronomical size is that they are extremely resource-intensive, and I wasn’t working on a supercomputer like I was using at NASA. Programs like Photoshop and even advanced tools such as ImageMagick are incapable of producing images in the terapixel range.” 

Since there aren’t any tools in the market that could handle a dick of this size, the Eggplant had to develop his own software to do it. He needed some expert help and, not wanting to reveal what he was creating, he went “undercover” on some online forums and groups, posing as a microbiologist or astronomer. “With a few questions answered,” he said, “I got back to work and finally created a program that balanced the memory, compression, and disk usage needed to create an image in the terapixel range.”

The final image was generated over a five-week period during which the Eggplant’s custom software created sections of the penis at 30 million pixels per second. Once it was done, he knew he had something bigger than an NFT on his hands. Having successfully created what appeared to be the biggest image ever made, he decided to approach the Guinness World Records organization.